She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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