His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
