i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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