I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
