just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
