if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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