i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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