Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
