Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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