Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
