Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
