dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
