I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
