apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
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