i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize