Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
