The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
