My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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