I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
