i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
