I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
