Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
