I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
