my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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