i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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