put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
