I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
