Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
