I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
