All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
