She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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