apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize