I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My ATM looks so different sober.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
