I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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