I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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