No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
