"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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