addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
