If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
