My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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