I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
