that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
