SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I could make wine with my vomit
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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