I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
