apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
