So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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