I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
