I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
