Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
