WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
