I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
