I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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