thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
wanna go halves on a baby?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Randomize
