He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
