So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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