I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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