I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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