I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
