im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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