I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
