i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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