his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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