I can text with my tongue
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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